| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|12:02 am] |
|
Well.... all in all im feeling really good right now... and im thinking about people and decisions. I have realized how easy it is to overlook whats important in life yet again (100000th time). It comes down to it that it doesnt matter what personality, style, status, SELF ESTEEM level, confidence, etc.... we all need the same thing on a basic level. A big part of that is love. and throughout my day i realize it is impossible to please everyone and in fact, it is not really possible to even be kind to everyone... accidents happen.... and if you let this get to you you wont be happy.... we are all creative people... we want to express ourselves in so many ways and just to feel like we can stream our feelings out into the world. I just keep realizing that its not worth worrying about .... its a ride"" and its beautiful.... certainly not all of it ... but its worth the ride. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|11:26 pm] |
|
I feel like taking this moment to set down how i felt this evening. People said i looked mad. On the outside. On the inside, i felt like i was inadequate. I felt like i was not living up to a standard which.... i cant even define. And this standard... what could it be? I don't know. I knew in my mind what i wanted to feel like: I wanted to feel happy and satisfied by what ever was the situation. But i had this burning rush that just wouldn't stop. Its okay though... i first have to remind myself that love radiates outward. Thats all I'm saying about it.... you can't really intellectualize in circles and i feel like i shouldnt judge..... I think it is important for the future that i think about how i evaluate and what meaning I attatch to situations... and i attach little meaning to tonight... i am a good guy... I'm not worried about it... life goes on and really i forgive myself completely. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|10:58 pm] |
|
At least a man can have his wholeness: nothing is built in a day. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|11:31 pm] |
|
" must not fear.... fear is the mind killer..... " Got that right. I ain't afraid a' no ghosts. What time is it? I dunno. Disjointed thoughts brought to you from me. People just have live journals for attention. Drifting around.... Disoriented. Nervous. Scared. Frustrated. Results of not handling stress. Answer: your doing good Sean... really. Keep up the good work. I mean it. Want to continue work on guitar piece. Not sure which start is desired. I have some real misconceptions floating around. Hmm..... i need to work that out. Immediately... because i know how these things can get when one is not careful.... my goal here is to write music: to create and by that act to express and to enjoy the product of my creation-- a work of sound which i find entertaining, enlightening, expressing, and in some manner enjoyable. I Have questions.... so many people read the Da Vinci Code and believe it. hmm..... sorry guys its totally fiction. Some people subscribe to the next generation after-baby boomer generation of spiritual meets self-help East-meets-West thought. I surely find this both entertaining and a source of hope.. but I remain slightly skeptical. Some adhere firmly to (various) ancient religeons. Sorry... im really goin on with this.(no stoppin) Some are intellectuals and believe their science and there is no god and etc. Objective. Some believe in philosophy and that by logically and forensically disecting everything they may prove their superiority (half joking) or that they can explain why nothing matters. Some have mixes of these. There is also Bill Hicks. And there is every variety and variation in between these ideas with no stop till meeting the horizon.... What is bothering me??? Well... i dont really know.... i really believe in love... between brothers and sisters and the ever elusive true love. Do i live by it.... well we can all strive to . I question the virtue of selfishness .... i wonder at hollow individuality.... .and i really don't think we are all that different... and i somehow after all this remain stressed at this moment.... It really is all good though because i am doin' the best that i can and i am living and that is all anyone is capable of.... there reallly is no regret and life is a ride.... and an experience worth loving... follow your heart and your interests and they will lead you to the next level. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|10:57 pm] |
|
Bottom line... i need some love in my life. Tomorrows Valentines day... and Im just feeling the need ... but i dont just mean love in a romantic sense or in a sexual sense or in the sense of a relationship per se.... i need a friend... and yes. i know i have many. and i love you all.... but i just need at this moment to connect with someone and share my thoughts/feelings... Yea someone joked "you need attention blogger... exhibitionize your 'inner most thougts' to the world... " well its a release this one-sided communication because i can express myself in a physical medium but beyond that i know that someone out there might dig it up and feel what im saying. And i need that... im just adapted to my environment, and i will continue to do so... i think i will find love in a woman when i find someone who is always fresh... i mean someone who shares my love for the unkown ... for exploration... i love to just appreciate the world i find myself in. I feel the need to reconcile my world with the force of the vast unknown and the maker of vast decisions which we call God... i do not believe that.... were god a masculine conscious being he would make us to live in fear... i mean no irreverence... and thats just it. I do believe in a sort of "force" which is ubiquitous in our universe which is the flow and the glue of it all.... i know that we will never find the smallest building blocks of matter.... and that reminds me. I once read in a textbook that "sub-atomic particles are the most basic building block of all matter...."... hahahah i dont think that science now would agree and i certainly dont think we will ever find anything to suit that definition. Also.... i think that universe is an audacious term.... how ever could we imagine that there is a limit to the plane in which we exist? I can't fathom it... thats why we have the term "infinity"... the scientists God. God-bless us all too... and all the prophets and saviors and great men preserved through the history-keeper of religeon. However on the day to day.... one must work with what is and accept with an open mind what one is not can not and knows not. The egoism of man will drive us to great lengths to imagine that the world is a thing of our own creation.... but i think i will end with the infamous bill hicks quote... "Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather." |
|
|
| Belief |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|11:04 pm] |
|
I am struggling... to uncover that little glimmer of hope that keeps gettin hidden in the undergrowth of my mind... that glimmer of hope is belief and it is perhaps also my heart and feelings.... and i will say whats on my mind... that is that my mind and my hunger and drive are all fighting to keep that true belief from showing its glory.... i have a feeling that once it has a place in your life, it is a force that will forever change you... what belief am i talking about ....? The unquestioning belief in life. God.? ... yes... self... yes... but its more than that. I am encountering a lot of life ... and loving it... but i still ask why? I know atheists who are open to life and self and living and loving it.... i know devout christians who are the same.... or at least they seem that way always to my eye... i guess what im tryin to say is ... Well just live it and love it ... "Sean your doin good man seriously; keep up the good work!" |
|
|
| My Favorite Things: |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|09:09 pm] |
TV Shows: Law and Order: Criminal Intent.... (Goren is the shit- Vincent D'Onofrio); CSI.. especially Miami and Vegas;
Magnum P.I.; Miami Vice
Composers: Shostakovich; Debussy; Frank Martin; Wayne Shorter
Tenor Sax Players: Coltrane; Wayne; Dexter; Sonny Rollins and Stitt
Movies: The Island, The Devil's Advocate, Lost in Translation, The Shining
Movie composer: Danny Elphman
Vehicle: The Scion Xb of course!
Satelite Radio: get Sirius baby~
hmmm....
People: my family
...
Colors: Brown, Green, Blue, earth tones of them of course
Gadget: IPOD !!!
Sense: Hearing
Female attribute: curiosity and imagination... and compassion
Favorite season: fall and spring (but not those in between)
Favorite time of day: Now
these are a few of my favorite things! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|09:08 pm] |
|
Well... here i am on a Sunday night... and i think for a second... well ... life is kinda funny sometimes because there are times when it goes through rapid changes and then there are hangups from each little period... think about the last line in fight club... but the essential things dont change... you are who you are... so theres my dump of philosophical jive for the night... Alright then... page 2. Well i been listenin to Shostakovich's later string quartets and thinkin about the kinds of sounds in there... i really love that shit and.... i identify with them greatly. And i know that they are Russian... i can hear it ... in every sinewy serpentine line i hear exotic eastern russian ness..... i see the heritage of people in little villages in cold siberia all the way up to the October Revolution... i hear oppression and wishes for better days and longing for days gone by ... but i hear spirit i hear jewish exotic influence ... and i love it. So i know that Dimitry Shostakovich was of pure Siberian decent so i looked it up... and i found pictures of it and a particular city Novosibirsk seemed soo appealing... and i have a message for anyone who might read this.... if you like what you hear... you can sit down with me at any time and really talk honestly and really listen and you will get to hear who it is that is saying this .... Im a nice guy and i like talking to people... but you gotta really listen... cause i don't make it easy to understand me .. haha ... so sue me. |
|
|
| Thursday Night |
[Jan. 20th, 2006|12:33 am] |
|
It's Thursday night and im sittin at home and i wish i was somewhere else ... lost in a crowd in a noisy bar or a smoky living room with a keg.... or sitting beside a special girl somewhere.... anywhere but here because i feel alone dammit.... igues its not that bad and its self-imposed in a way... but man ... i spent some time soul-searchin.... and i believe im there... but life is a road with no shortcuts you gotta do the time in the salt mines (as Dr. O. says).... so here i am again.... its me! |
|
|
| Gintora. |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|11:11 am] |
|
So... this morning.... i .... hold on ... i gotta open the window.... Okay. Its snowing outside... the snow is beautiful... when you look up into the snowy sky ... time seems to stop and all my troubles go away... you can appreciate the space between you and the horizon in a new way because its full of millions of fuzzy white dots each one a 6" marker from the last one. If ever you felt that the place you were was not as good as the place you wanted to be .... you might realize how big the world around you is. It's nice i think a Pepsi might add to my enjoyment of this moment. Yea that hits the spot... whats on my mind this morning??? well im just tryin to keep it on the level... i don;t wanna get my head up in the clouds... cause eventually you run out of balloons and you might find yourself down to street level.... and im tired of the cycle of upp up up down down down.... im always talkin about moderation.... I dunno ... the middle path i believe. it best. SO whats REALLY goin on ... well im waitin on one class to start. then i gotta talk to DR. O about rearranging the schedule so that it works. then i got my first comp lesson... ahh yea... forgot bout that. then i got just one more class... Hopefully me n' mark can watch The Island tonight. That would be great.. that movie is very great... Im listening to "The Love Below" ... man Andre 3000 is great. I like the guy that wrote the strings on ther... that guy nails it when he gets on a track. continued later.... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|06:13 pm] |
|
Coltrane on the disc player... me sittin behind the computer screen... bout to just go kick it on the porch.... breathe.... relax... be ... nothing tooo ittt |
|
|
| SO..... |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|09:29 pm] |
|
well.... i got a mean hankerin' to write some shit... i wan't to do a little jazz arranging because lately i have been exposed to a lot of that.. but... i need to work with texture.. not just chordal stuff... but i will always remember what the guy said... "listen well.... then get your own shit" SO i just use my ears... but just do it... i just deleted an idealistic statement and replaced it with just do the damn thing... haha because i have decided that idle philosophy is the biggest waste of time.... second only to ... nothing maybe... you gain very little... now applied philosophy ... thinking ENOUGH is crucial.... well im gonna go apply my philosophy so good bye |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2005|10:36 pm] |
|
How much more living will it take till I am no longer an angry young man?.... Well.... The answer is now. And you can say it all you want but im there.... ("there ain't no such thing as halfway there")... I got an idea for a string quartet in my head which i am looking forward to writing... right now listening to SHostakovich OP. 34 preludes... wow... good stuff. That deserved a period. Mood shift. I'm feeling like i am really emotional right now but i know that its just due to my life style for the past couple days... Shut up in the house doin last minute final cramming while people in the other room have a video game marathon (god-bless em)... Stir crazy they call it i believe... too much time to think and the mind starts playin its favorite tricks on itself... well so the Holiday is coming up and if there is anything the maturing satisfied 20-something knows, its what he wants [dont forget it] ... i think i was about 14 last time i knew ... so love it. I'm ready to just set sail for the Horizon and not take any pitstops till the mid-life crisis... well thats kinda a joke cause I know how life goes.. Tonight i had a funny thought... it went something like this "an artist is just someone who has faith in his/her own perspective". Interesting thought... but its a rewarding life... that is to create ... there is a lot more to it than what might lead one to believe. wow... man this is amazing ... shostakovich is hypnotizing me... while i memorize my music history notes... and think steadily on the themes... well theres a lesson to remember... focus... weed out all the things that will distract you... they might not all be bad... but you must "take your time"... now thats some shit right there... god bless the one who said that the first time... .lord only knows. well anyhow i have been writting long and i doubt anyone will ever even read this... (i infrequently read others so why would they?) well.... Good night all. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|01:13 pm] |
|
Alright well im done with my paper and i am bout to start the next... life is really looking good though. Some Steely Dan Goin.... i hope jered managed to get all his sheets worked out. screw capital letters.... well im off to chill and sit for a bit..... the privelege of the student. |
|
|
| Man |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|10:34 pm] |
|
Man (or woman) check me out... spoutin' off influences like a fountain. Man i gotta say first off Law and Order - Criminal Intent is the show. Second off.... Everyone have a good thanksgiving break. And third off.... well maybe first to finish. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|11:25 am] |
here i am just checkin all the away messages of the people i have had the luck to come accross... if i didnt think too deep for my own good what would i have to talk about... you can talk about people: yourself or others or you can talk about things: things you want... things that are out of the ordinary... ordinary things... but whats the value of it all without people and who relates to value but yourself... and what are you worth without people to love... I'm really just trying to understand. I found out something out about myself today: i complain about a lack of focus. I know why: i want to do a little of everything in what i want to do... and theres not enough time. Unfocused light versus laser: and i run... instead of diggin in and not quitting on the one thing i want to pursue... i run and run... then come back when the damage is done. well there are some things i stick to... i chain myself up... but i say that the thing i should learn from this is to simplify... clarify your goals.... and that
reminds me to... im just a guy rebelling against the "Fashionably Modest" hahahah..... welll im one of the fish in this bowl just like the rest. i've got love for all of youall.... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2005|09:59 pm] |
Check my eyes....
I need to relax a little...
kick back and enjoy the film - i might be suprised...
if i would watch more than a little..
instead of feelin bad i thought i would count up what i've got...
turned out to be a lot...
but found a need in my forest...
and it says more...
maybe if i cut out the light it would be best...
for it to die so i could want less...
but i ask my self do i feel guilty...?
just a little...
after walking a mile i stopped to check...
found im still in the middle...
checked the mail just for fun...
but today all i got was none... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|12:31 am] |
|
wow... it can be excruciating at times... all the steps i have to go through on a daily basis just so i can return home and pursue the one thing that gives my life meaning... but on the flipside man music you have saved my life... if i didn't have the outlet to create i would still be on that course towards crazyiness but man... im also glad for all the mistakes that constitute a life in the "real" world... for one thing i made enough that i know i will probly never go back. that is a satisfying thought for one thing.. but also i know that i have an rich handful of experiences. now you might think "oh so he thinks hes leaving us" well yes and no. an artist is nothing without an audience... i think slug says that well when he says "my talk is not as cheap and my thoughts are not as deep as the day i woke up to discover i'd lost my sheep" haha he has a funny way of putting it but you can't alienate yourself from your audience or your peers or for that matter your culture.. completely... you gotta have that equilibrium that sense of balance to keep you from losing them... you wanna make them feel.. you wanna make them look inside themselves and inspire them to live life for all that it is and can be you wanna communicate the Word and the Love... so i will keep writing and give thanks to the higher power for lining up these illusory particles to create the sense of solidity because im lovin it... write on people... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2005|08:21 pm] |
|
I just felt like saying that out of every thing i have ever done in my entire life i don't reget any of it. Nothing. Every beligerant moment, every embarrassing moment, every time i have been too shy to speak, every awkward moment, every miscommunication. Here I am! no regrets. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2005|07:34 pm] |
|
"Your've a changed man..." "Why?" "When you got off that train you did two things you have never done before.." ".............." "You shook my hand and you looked me square in the eye.." [because he joined the army] My comments... if you are feeling guilty about your lack of contribution to society and don't feel validated in the course of your life join a good cause. I do feel that it is essential to our society to fight for the support of the system that gives us the quality of life and freedom which we enjoy. Freedom ... a word which is overplayed these days and used as a general term to justify many things... but for what it is it is our greatest asset and in my opinion the highest achievement of human society. Freedom comes with responsibiltiy. So i have a sociology professor who says "individuality is a crock.... and god is a farce.." now... if you don't believe in an afterlife you are going to be a little more reluctant to go and sacrifice your life for the good of your brothers. My solution to this strange modern reality... I believe what I feel is right. "Honesty born in me." Phil. I have the greatest respect for those people who fight to depend our system. God bless them. The sense of god in every man... |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sovinenivos's journal